Raw

When I was fourteen, I lost my dad.

I found myself in a dark place with no help

I would smile and hang with friends

But go home and cry myself to sleep.

Without knowing how to ask for help

I mentioned to a few people “I was going to die”

They did not know but my death had been planned.

I made a vivid plan to leave this world, I couldn't bear it, I had to flee.

I could not hold on any more, my pain was too much to bear.

Three times as a teenager I tried to take my life.

Three times I tried, and three times I failed.

Each time I failed I became more upset.

Some were there at the hospital, some did not know, and some did not make it.

.

I passed through my teenage years without hope.

I couldn't live because my pain was too much so I simply existed.

I left my friends, I gave up on school.

I simply numbed the pain with substances to once again, just exist.

Eventually I learned to numb the pain, the trauma and through therapy tried to heal.

At nineteen I started to slowly bring my head out of the water.

I realized I was still living, my existence turned into survival

I started to want to leave old unhealthy habits behind and somehow allowed love in.

My foundation and healing came through God.

I would pray and cry and cry and pray, there was so much hurt inside.

I felt unloved, unworthy and unwanted

Somehow God found a way inside my heart and lit me up.

Twice through my adult life, I for a second heard that voice once again - leave this world,, there is too much pain. I ignored it and kept on living.

Then, I had my firstborn, this isnt always the case but he taught me love.

Then… came my daughter, she brought light into my life.

I started living for something, rather than wanting to leave.

I started more than existing.

They became my reason.

Then, at thirtyfour I tragically lost my mom.

The one who loved me all along.

Trauma came back

My world turned upside down.

My head started to spin, and I started to feel that pain once again, way too much pain.

I tried to numb it, to push it deep inside but it would overflow.

It would come out in anger, in tears, in sadness and at random times.

I realized I have to deal, I have to cope, I have to write,

I started to write during my lowest times when I was young in order to make sense of my pain

I continue to write today in order to heal from the loss I bear.

Although today I have a purpose greater than I ever thought, I also continue to live for my dear husband and kids.

I now know that although I have someone waiting for me

An angel watching over me, she will give me strength as I live for those I love.

She is in no hurry to take me away from those we both love.

Wherever she is, she is happy and at peace.

Wherever I am, I must find contentment in the short time I had her and make the most of the time I am in this world for.

My heart still hurts, tears still fall (even as I write), but… I can live, breathe and occasionally smile and laugh.

www.throughmypen.com

Diana C. Pineda

“…tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.”

-Alfred Lord Tennyson

In Memoriam (1850)